Across the disc in 7 point 9 leaps
by Bringer of Muffins
Summary: A tale of the great wizard Rincewind as he bravely goes around the disc or more accuratley, a tale or Rincewind the wizzard in a series of random events that result in him going across the disc in 7.9 leaps.
1. Part 1a

**Across the Disc in 7.9 leaps**

**Part 1a**

Rincewind was bored. Nothing was happening; no creatures or people in sight. It was boring, and that was just how Rincewind liked it. No action, no adventure, and, more importantly, no danger.

Rincewind liked being bored. It wasn't that interesting admittedly, but in his experience, interest led to danger, and since he had spend so much time facing danger (well, more accurately running away from it), he felt he was long overdue for a nice long stretch of boring.

He shifted slightly and made himself more comfortable against the tree he was sitting under, and took a swig from the cup of water next to him.

One the other side of the tree sat a large treasure chest-like, well, chest. It looked a little out of place maybe, but it was nether the less distinctly chest-like.

Yet there was something not quite right about the keyhole, or maybe the hinges that suggested an air of grumpiness.

The luggage was sulking. Rincewind ignored it.

He had kicked it not long before, and despite this having absolutely no effect on the stubborn thing, it was now annoyed with him.

Well, thought Rincewind, it did try and eat my hat…

This was quite true. Rincewind's hat was now starless. It may have been just a faded old hat, but it was _his hat. _And the star may have been about to fall off, but it was _his star. _

Other people might not see what all the fuss was about, but a wizard's hat is his identity. Without the pointy hat he would just be a silly bloke in a dress.

Rincewind handled the hat fondly, before ramming it firmly back on his head. It may be starless, and lost the very tip, but it still gave off an aura of pointiness.

Feeling whole again, Rincewind watched a woodlouse trundling past him.

There was nothing very special about it. It had fourteen legs, a slightly pointier end (which he took to be the head) and was about the size of a fingernail. Apart from the fact it was blue, there was really nothing very special about it.

Rincewind had always marvelled at these small creatures. The way they were completely ignorant of the world around them, which was probably a good thing since there a lot of things out to get a woodlouse.

He watched as it approached a stick.

The stick had a useful woodlouse-sized hole in it, handily lined up with the woodlouse's path.

The woodlouse wandered up to it, trundled right over it, and carried on as if nothing had happened.

This was Rincewind's kind of creature. Tough, tenacious, armoured, and ignores everything around it no matter tempting or useful it might seem.

Rincewind reached forward and picked it up. Its legs continued to wiggle. Obviously the sudden lack of ground wasn't about to stop it going where it wanted to get.

He set it down again, about a meter back, and watched it trundle some more, like some sort of living blue tank.

After a while he stood up and watched it lumber determinedly past his feet.

Rincewind lifted a foot, and held it hovering just above the woodlouse. It ignored him. You had to give it something, thought Rincewind, it doesn't scare easily.

He brought the foot down.

It squeaked.

That wasn't supposed to happen. They're meant to get squashed with a satisfying crunch, not squeak…

He lifted his foot again. The squashed woodlouse slowly began to rise, with a sound like a backwards squeak, like that of a dog's squeaky toy inflating.

Once fully inflated, the woodlouse simply continued to trundle as if nothing had happened.

Rincewind stood on it again, with the same effect. He had to admit, it really was strangely fun…

He stopped himself just in time. He was getting interestednot boredinterestingadventuredangerpain.

He watched as the woodlouse inflated again and trundle off, still determined to get to wherever it was going.

After a while Rincewind got up, and walked around to the other side of the tree.

The luggage glared up at him through its keyhole. He sighed, picked up a stick and prodded it several times until it reluctantly opened its lid.

Draining his cup, he threw it inside and the lid snapped shut.

Rincewind turned and walked away heading deeper into the forest. It did not look particularly friendly, but neither did the woodland behind him, and at least it was more sheltered amongst the trees.

After a few seconds, the luggage rose up on hundreds of little legs and followed him grumpily.

A deer stopped munching grass for a moment to listen. The sounds of feet were approaching, but there was something odd about them. One heavier set of footfalls sounded like a man, but the other puzzled the deer. It sounded like something very heavy, carried by something very light footed. No, not light footed, more like…light-feeted. There was definitely more than one set of legs under this creature.

The deer swallowed its mouthful and listened more closely.

The man was still some way off, but the other although distant and quiet, seemed strangely nearby…

The lid of the luggage snapped shut.

Rincewind wandered alone in the forest. The luggage was nowhere in sight, but he was not overly bothered. It would turn up sooner of later. He had always rather hoped that he might loose the thing, but it was persistent and followed him everywhere. It always managed to find him no matter where he was, in which dimension, on land or over sea it would always manage it in the end.

It was probably off having fun chasing the local wildlife. Rincewind left it to it. Whilst it did so it meant it wasn't following him, and was improving it's and his mood in the process.

He came to a clearing on top of a hill. He paused for a moment and looked up. There was one lone tree standing in the middle of it. There was something odd about it, but quite what that was he couldn't say.

It was very tall and very straight, with long branches coming off at irregular intervals. The leaves were a shade of pleasant pale green and caught the light so that the rays fell about him in shafts. The bark was lumpy and knotted, with one part looking rather like a face.

As he walked closer two squirrels chased one another through its branches. There was even a bird's nest complete with eggs and a mother bird.

It looked all together far too tree shaped to be real. He had read of trees that were tall, had long sweeping branches with bird's nests and squirrels, and knots in the bark that looked like faces in stories. They were common fairytale stuff and were everything a tree was supposed to be, yet he had never actually seen a tree that fitted that description before.

He walked right up to the trunk and tapped it. Instead of the dull thud he was expecting, the tree sounded hollow and thin walled. On closer inspection, it appeared to be made of fibreglass.

A voice from inside replied to the knock.

"You're early. You're not supposed to be here till next week. I'm not finished yet!"

Rincewind took a couple of steps back cautiously. He was hearing things. Trees didn't talk, everyone knew that.

A small hatch opened in the tree trunk which he was sure wasn't there before. After a moment a face appeared looking hurried and annoyed. It was wearing the sort of expression that wanted to say "bugger off" but was too polite and couldn't help adding a "please" on the end.

"Well?" it said

"Well what?"

"Well why are you here so early?"

"Sorry I'll come back later, I didn't mean to intrude."

"No, no you're here now I suppose you might as well come in."

"Well I really should-"

"Tea?" said the face.

"Look, I didn't mean-"

"I think I've got some crumpets somewhere I can toast."

"-I suppose I can stay a while." Rincewind concluded. There were crumpets. Most things were worth enduring for crumpets.

He followed the strange man through the hatch, which closed behind him. He turned to see it blended perfectly with the wall. Unless you knew it was there it would be invisible.

The man was busying himself with a kettle a few feet away. To be fair, it was harder for him to move any further away since they were on the inside of a tree.

"Sorry it's not much," he said dunking in some tea bags. "I was planning on tidying before you arrived, but you came a little early."

"It's really…" Rincewind trailed off. There many terms that could be used to describe the inside of this fibreglass tree, but "homely" was not one of them. "Lived in" would have been a better phrase, if it didn't also apply to an ant nest and a rather mouldy aubergine.

"Do want milk in your tea?"

"Umm…" Rincewind noted the empty milk cartons on the floor. "No thanks" he said, "just plain."

"Each to their own." The small man replied, tipping liberal amounts of slightly lumpy white- Rincewind supposed the term "liquid" just about stretched to it - into his own mug.

"Take a seat" he said, waving vaguely towards the pile of cardboard boxes, crates, and other similar junk.

Rincewind perched carefully on a rather squashed box. It squashed slightly more, and a dislodged rat streaked of across the floor, having been evicted.

The man wandered over and sat down heavily on a crate, which creaked ominously, and handed Rincewind his tea.

Rincewind looked down into the chipped mug. After a moment of contemplation, took a sip. It wasn't too bad. A bit weak maybe, but it was tea.

The other man coughed.

"Hmm?" said Rincewind looking up.

"Do you want to see the work I've been doing then?" he smiled hopefully "so you know where to take off from."

"Well I-"Rincewind tried as he stood up and headed along a path through the clutter. "You know I really-" but the little man was already disappearing up a ladder with his mug of tea.

Rincewind followed feeling slightly miffed. There was a distinct lack of crumpets so far.

He emerged into a room equally cluttered, only slightly smaller, so the junk simply piled higher. The smell was not only offensive, but eroded the nostrils leaving them the constancy of something between soup and jelly.

The man appeared to have vanished. Rincewind picked a path through the litter and debris and eventually after much searching found another ladder. He climbed it carefully, dreading the state of the room he was about to come in to.

A foot below the opening, he took a deep breath. This was not pleasant, but he had a feeling it was probably more so than breathing in the inevitable stench of the room above.

"Careful now, don't wake them."

Rincewind opened his eyes to reveal what was by far the tidiest room in the entire house tree. This was it had to be admitted however a relative term. The floor was strewn with broken crates and straw. Strange sounds came from several of the more complete of these. It was not an unfriendly sound, it just made your ears want to curl up and try to drop off your head. On closer examination, it turned out that the contents of the crates were not designed to be seen at anything less than 50 feet away.

Rincewind averted his eyes from this nauseating sight and turned back to the man. He decided on second thoughts, that maybe the strange creatures were the least repulsive of the two.

"So I expect that all your equipment is on its way then?"

"Well-" Rincewind began.

"Good, good." replied the man moving towards the ladder without apparently moving his feet. "And you know everything there is to know about their proper care?"

"-"

"'Cause you do, why else would you be here. Their next meal is over there" he indicated several trays across the room"

"-?"

"A copy of my notes is on the table over there, and there's some paper and a pencil for you to jot down your findings." He was at the top of the ladder by now.

"-!"

"So I'll see you in six months then. Enjoy your stay!"

His head disappeared over the edge of the hole and the trapdoor shut behind him.

"…" said Rincewind, and sat down heavily on a crate.

He listened for a moment, expecting to hear the sounds of footsteps down rickety ladders, followed by the creaking of the hidden door being swung open. What he wasn't expecting to hear was the sounds of footsteps down rickety ladders followed by a yell and a snap or wood.

Silence.

He waited a moment more to see if anything else would happen. When it didn't, he carefully walked over to the ladder, opened the trapdoor, and peered down. The room below was just as cluttered and pungent as before, but there was a distinct lack of monsters, magic, traps, or anything else that would result in injury. Seeing this, Rincewind took a deep breath (immediately wishing he hadn't) and descended the ladder.

After a bit of orienteering he found the next ladder and cautiously opened the trapdoor. The ladder lay in two pieces on the floor and a large chest sat menacingly in the centre of the room. (Quite how a chest can manage to look menacing is unknown, but this one did.)

Rincewind let out a sigh of relief and carefully lowered himself through the trapdoor, letting himself down as far as possible, before letting go at the last second and landing awkwardly on a squashed milk carton, that popped and went whizzing off across the room.

Standing and dusting himself off, Rincewind gave the box a cold look.

"You took your time"

The Luggage belched loudly.

"Look, I don't have to do anything. I never said I was a researcher or a _scientist!_" Rincewind spat the last word with distaste. The luggage remained immobile, blocking the space occupied by the concealed door.

"Move it you stupid thing." he said angrily, tugging on one of the handles at the end of the stubborn chest. This had no absolutely no effect other than to make him pull a muscle in his back.

He sat down heavily on it, and looked around the room for anything that might be of assistance. Failing to spot anything, he gave up, got to his feet and kicked it. This achieved nothing but an excruciating pain in his toe. He hopped around the room, cursing and eventually leant against the wall of the tree for support - it creaked slightly, and opened into daylight. Rincewind marvelled at this for a moment. The designer of this tree had obviously built in ore than one hidden door.

Purposefully, he stepped through the hole and headed for the path. His shins hit something solid. He looked down.

The luggage was glaring up at him in the way that only a keyhole rivets can achieve.

He groaned inwardly, and took a step sideways. The luggage did likewise.

"Look, I'm not going back there to look after some demented…..things!" He glared at the box.

The luggage glared back. It continued to glare.

"I don't see why I should have to look after them, I never offered."

"…"

"No, I'm not going back, and you can't persuade me otherwise."

He stepped carefully over the luggage and wandered off into the woods. The luggage stayed where it was and watched him through its hinges.


	2. Part 1b

**Across the Disc in 7.9 leaps**

**Part 1b**

****

Rincewind awoke. He was startled to find himself exactly where he had been the night before. All this falling asleep and waking up in the same place was starting to trouble him. No one had tried to kidnap him yet… something was wrong…he hadn't found himself in a single perilous situation for weeks, yet alone received any death threats…

He pushed this thought out of his mind, and took in the beauty of the forest. He looked up at the trees, and down at the bushes. Having taken in the limited beauty of the forest, he stood up and wandered aimlessly down a nearby path. He wasn't going anywhere in particular, but he would probably end up somewhere all the same. Paths had a nasty habit of doing that.

After a couple of hours the path turned a series of curves and probably doubled back on itself, although it didn't really matter. Rincewind hadn't found a way out of this forest in 3 weeks, and he didn't suppose that today would be any different.

"Hail, mighty wizard of Red, we have been awaiting your arrival."

Rincewind looked up to find a young man dressed as a knight. His green and yellow tunic was clean and pressed, and the helmet upon his head gleamed in a shaft of light. His shield was wooden with a coat of arms to match his tunic, and his scabbard was adorned with runes and other mystical looking symbols.

A second figure emerged rather haphazardly from the shrubbery. A large pair of wings protruded form its back, and it was dressed in a flowing many layered dress. The dress however, was caught in a bramble bush, and its owner was trying without much success to untangle it without ripping the delicate fabric to shreds. Eventually (and with only limited success with the untangling) it turned and a young woman's face looked back at him with large pale eyes. After a moment she spoke in a high quavering voice which she was obviously under the impression gave her a fantastical spiritual quality. In fact it gave her all the aura of a piece of soggy toast.

"We have waited since the rising of the sun over the rim. Your presence in our company is most welcome."

Rincewind blinked.

More people were emerging from the dense woodland around him dressed in clothes of varying degrees of shabbiness. Some were meant to look like knights or fighters, others like mages or sorcerers. Many held shield and bore weapons ranging from blunt spears to bows, swords to what some obviously thought were magical looking staffs or sceptres. They huddled together in a group and watched Rincewind with a disconcertingly amiable gaze.

"Umm…"

Several of the people had attempted to stick on pointy ears to look like elves, some with more success than others. Rincewind watched as the glue on one decided to give up and go out in style. The pointy ear slid silently to the floor, leaving its former owner with a rather lopsided expression.

"Umm…" said Rincewind again. He felt that something more was expected of him and added "Sorry to have kept you waiting."

Whether this sufficed or not he couldn't tell but it was irrelevant because at that moment a bedraggled form came crashing out of the bushes waving frantically for attention.

"They are here! They have come!" He paused for dramatic effect, or at least, would have done had there been effect worth pausing for. Seeing that there wasn't, he coughed instead before continuing, "Our enemy is upon us! I heard the footfalls of many coming this way with haste!"

"Make ready! We shall vanquish this evil! None can stand against the power of good!" cried the winged female.

Shouts of pride and bravery rang through the air.

Footsteps could be heard approaching through the undergrowth. The crowd fell still, waiting with baited breath for the incoming foe…

The bushed parted just in time to make way for a large oblong hurtling along on many little legs. As one being they all took several steps back as it skidded to a halt in front of them. Many apprehensive eyes darted quickly from the box, to the others and back again, each reluctant to make the first move.

"Our foe is arrived!" Screamed the bedraggled messenger adding in an undertone, "Nice costume by the way – Have at you foul creature!"

The spindly figure drew its sword somewhat shakily, and made a charge at the impassive object. As if a cloud of premonition had swept by, the others made a hasty retreat, bashing into one another in their haste to away.

From the centre of the bundle came the unmistakeable sound of a large wooden chest lid shut.

Every figure froze, and all eyes fell on the luggage. A large mahogany tongue extended from under the rim, and slid s-l-o-w-l-y along it so as to give maximum effect.

The legs retracted and the luggage lowered itself gently to the ground. There was a sigh as the collective breath of the crowd was released.

There was a rustle in the bushes behind them, and they whipped round panicking, but it was only the enemy.

"Oh, there you are. We've been looking for you!"

"Where have you been? We've been waiting around all morning for you lot to show up."

"Well, we're here now, shall we get on with this?"

"Yes lets. Will you do the honours?"

"Certainly. Ahem, LET THE BATTLE COMMENCE!"

Ah, now this was more like it. Rincewind knew where he stood with dangerous situations, (usually a long way away). It was in normal situations that he was really in trouble, a couple even laughed nervously, in an attempt to break the atmosphere.

Dodging two knights caught in courageous combat, he walked over to the nearest climbable tree and promptly scrambled up it. After making himself comfortable in a forked branch, he sat back to watch the ensuing battle.

Oh dear…

It really was rather silly. Two exactly even teams would run at each other with wooden swords and axes, fake staves and wands, and try to harm their opponent (but not hurt them) and "kill" them. Occasional complaints and hurried apologies given to those lying "dead" and being trodden on could be heard above the mighty battle cries. A rubber suckered arrow flew into the wood beside him, failed to stick, and fell away with a sad _pt-._

It was worse than he thought… Not only was it not the slightest bit dangerous, but the simple stupidness of the situation couldn't even make it normal. They had between them all the special awareness of a hermit crab attempting to squeeze into a shell three sizes too small. He might have been safe from blades and arrows, but nothing could save him from the random urges to be chivalrous, daring, and above all act like a complete twat.

He reacted in the only way he knew how: he tied his boot laces to the branch, closed his eyes and gibbered.

"I say, you're good at this aren't you."

Rincewind looked down into the appraising face of a young would-be mage.

"I haven't even hit you with a confundus charm yet!"

Rincewind was spared answering by the appearance of a second robed figure.

"Ah hah! The white wizard shall triumph! Evil will not prevail!" Cried the cream dressed "wizard" adding "Hazah!" before hitting the first mage on the head with his staff.

"Ow, that hurt you know."

"Sorry, got a bit carried away there."

"Well there was no need to go hitting me with the bloody staff."

"I'm sorry."

"You are forgiven." Replied the first mage, "Shall we continue?"

"Yes, where was I? Ah yes, evil shall not prevail!"

"You shall yield or be destroyed!"

I shall cleanse you with a mighty blast of my stave!"

"Ha! You powers are useless! Have protection against all your spells."

"I say, that's not fair. You can't have protection from _all_ spells."

"I can if I like."

"No you can't, it's in the rules!"

"I don't remember reading anything about it."

"No, I distinctly remember reading that it is not allowed-"

Rincewind returned to his quiet gibbering for a while. After ten minutes or so he risked his sanity again and stopped. The two mages were now arguing over who had hit who with which spell first.

"Look, I hit with a confundus charm, you can't say spells through that!"

"No, I'm certain I hit you with a fireball before that, which should have knocked you back. You can't cast spells then either."

"No, your fireball was definitely after my confundus charm so-"

"Hazah!"

"Hey that's not fair! I was talking!"

"So, you didn't block the spell did you, so you're dead now."

"But…" The younger mage gave up and fell down dramatically, allowing the white wizard to skip off gleefully having bravely dispatched his foe.

Rincewind watched him breath for a while before asking:

"So you're dead now then are you?"

"Yes," came the grudging reply from below.

"I see… What's it like?"

"Rather dull really, I always get killed, it's so unfair."

"Ain't life a bitch?"

"Well, not really… I'd say more of a sparrow… free, gliding on the wind…" he sighed wistfully.

"I'll leave you to your death then," replied Rincewind untying his bootlaces and lowering himself from his perch. He hung for a moment by his fingers, had a distinct feeling of déja vous, and let go.

"I say, um I don't suppose you have erm, a resurrection spell you could use on me do you? Being dead is such a drag."

"No sorry, I'm afraid I don't have one handy."

"Oh, ok. Thanks all the same."

This forest really is rather dull, Rincewind thought as he trudges through yet another holly bush growing inconveniently where he wanted to walk. Selfish bushes he added irritably. Well he had succeeded in one thing. He was bored. Completely and utterly bored.

Of course he was happy to be bored. After all this adventure he was more than happy in fact... ecstatic for want of a better word.

…It's just being bored is simply so… he sought for words whilst half heartedly kicking a nearby root…boring.

"Hey no kicking! How would you like it if I lashed out at you?"

Rincewind stopped and stared straight ahead. "Trees don't talk" he said out loud to the world in general, as though hoping it might catch the hint.

"Glad to see you've got a brain in there."

He found his legs rotating him to face the source of the voice without his permission. The tree stood there and slowly photosynthesised in front of him.

"Up here idiot."

His gaze travelled up and came to rest upon a small weasely looking creature – a ferret.

"Pft, talking trees," it said eventually when he had noticed, "What do you think this is some sort of magic forest?"

"I suppose you're some sort of tree spirit then are you? Something sent to intervene with my fate and cause problems." He sighed heavily and sat down on a nearby rock. "Why can't you lot just leave me alone? I was perfectly ok until Fate noticed me and now I can't do anything without something strange or dangerous happening! So thanks, but no thanks. I have no need for any more Fate for today; he can bugger off and play with someone else for a while, I've had enough! Now piss off before I throw a stone at you."

"Keep your hat on wizard; I was only going to tell you the way out of the forest. And I'm not a tree spirit thank you very much."

"What are you then? No, don't tell me – you're just a perfectly normal talking ferret."

"Precisely."

"Well I don't want to go anywhere. Whenever I go somewhere something bad or exciting or _adventurous _happens. No I think I'll stay here thank you."

"Suit yourself, but you might want to move. Trolls don't much like being sat on."

Rincewind's heart missed a beat, while his stomach was busy sinking fast. On the other hand, there were plenty of other places to sit and do nothing. He could do with a change of scenery… preferably one with less sit-uponable rocks…

"I s'pose I could do with a change. This forest all looks the same. Where will I end up if I leave it though?"

The ferret shrugged. "Beats me, but you won't be here."

Rincewind weighed this up. He could end up anywhere but he would, more importantly, be away from here.

"Alright then, how do I get out of here?"

"How did you get here?"

"I don't know, I just walked into it."

"Then go back the way you came."

Rincewind glared.

"That's it? That is your wise knowledge? "Go back the way you came," well thank you all knowing furry sack of marbles, I would have never have thought of that! What do you think I've been trying to do for days! This bloody wood goes in circles, there _is_ no "back the way you came!" "

"You really are a complete idiot," replied the ferret with the air of one commenting on the weather. "You can't just walk paths backwards, that'll just take you in another direction."

"What do I do then?"

"I would have thought that was the simple bit," it eyed Rincewind critically, "But obviously not. Stand up."

Rincewind obliged.

"You might want to close your eyes," continued the rodent coolly, "It tends to upset people if they see what happens."

"What and let you scamper off leaving me looking like an idiot with my eyes closed waiting for a troll to wake up? No hank you, I think I'll keep my eyes open."

"Suit yourself. Take a step backwards."

Rincewind moved his foot and immediately felt the earth shudder horribly beneath him. The forest jerked and slewed sickeningly. He brought his foot forward again hurriedly, collapsed and clutched his throbbing head to prevent it turning inside out.

"I told you to close your eyes," came a cheerful voice from above him. "Do it properly this time, finish the step, and good luck."

"Good luck?"

"Oh didn't I tell you? It doesn't always want to work. It's been a bit temperamental lately."

"Oh, well thank you for telling me!"

"You're welcome."

Rincewind got to his feet again. The sun was sinking slowly, the shadows lengthening…rocks creaking. He took a deep breath and grabbed the rim of his hat for support before closing his eyes and stepping backwards a pace.

The ground buckled and twisted, lurched and jolted, before disappearing entirely. Rincewind panicked, not daring himself to look. He pulled his hat down harder over his lead head, his stomach churning horribly.

Without warning the ground made an appearance again. He stumbled and fell, curled up into a ball and lay very still. After a while, in which nothing happened, he convulsed and pulled himself to his knees.

Anyone watching would have seen him struggle for some time, attempting to remove his hat from his head. Eventually he succeeded and promptly emptied his stomach violently in front of him.

As it turned out, someone was watching him…lot of someones…

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Note from auther: Please R&R

Up to this point took 2 years of on and off writing, so don't expect updates too often (for some reasonI only tend to write this during exam revision...) However I do intend to finish this story. How,I dont know,I never do. But considering this whole thing was inspired by watching a woodlouse at 4 in the morning, goodness knows where the idea will come from...


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